| Family
Background RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
My husband and I came to the U.S. in 1998, through the U.S.
Refugee Program, along with our six-year-old daughter and
our four-year old son.
I am originally from the Kirimiro region of Burundi. However,
after marriage, women do not present themselves as being from
their native village, but rather from their husband’s
region. He is from one of the southern provinces.
I would prefer not to identify my ethnic group; many Burundians
today prefer not to identify their ethnic group because of
the inter-ethnic conflicts in Burundi and neighboring Rwanda.
However, my husband and I have a mixed marriage—we are
from different ethnic groups. We feel proud of this, since
it is an example of peacemaking between our ethnic groups.
The conflict in Burundi is similar to that in Rwanda: the
ethnic group in power has targeted the ethnic group that is
not in power. In Burundi, due to the mono-ethnic military
regime, the Hutus were forced into exile, and many Hutus have
been in refugee camps in Congo, Tanzania, Kenya and Zambia—all
the countries around Lake Tanganyika. In Rwanda, by contrast,
it was the Tutsis who were forced into exile. But after the
1993 and 1994 genocide in both countries, both ethnicities
were fleeing.
Seeking Refuge RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
Our flight from Burundi was very traumatic for our children.
While we were still in Burundi, we had been internally displaced
within the country, and the children saw fighting between
the rebels and the army. Even after we had fled to another
country, the children feared they were hearing gunshots every
time there were fireworks. The children would run from people
in uniform, because of their frightening memories of people
in uniform from Burundi.
Our family did not end up in a refugee camp, because we had
the connections and resources to flee to another African country
where we set up house. However, our family was separated during
flight for a period of two years. I left first, then our children
came to join me, then finally my husband came. We remained
in that country for four years. My husband was a victim of
political persecution in Burundi, and we could not remain
permanently in our country of refuge, so our family was referred
by the UNHCR to the U.S. Embassy for resettlement through
the U.S.
Refugee Program.
Education RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
Both my husband and I have university degrees from Burundi,
but we could not use them in the U.S. Our education gave us
a bachelor’s equivalency here, and we both have pursued
graduate degrees since our arrival. I received an engineering
degree in rural development while in Burundi, but here I have
completed a master’s degree in social work and now I
work in refugee services.
I speak Kirundi (the language of Burundi), Kinyarwanda (the
language of Rwanda), Swahili (a trade language of the African
countries in the Great Lakes region), French and English.
All of these I studied in school, except for Swahili.
Childcare RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
In addition to our 15-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son
who were born in Burundi, we have a seven-year-old son and
three-year-old daughter, born in the U.S.
I don’t expect that we will have any more children
here because childcare is an issue in America—this is
the biggest challenge we have as parents. We still believe
in the community raising the children, so we have arranged
childcare within our ethnic community.
We believe in group discipline—a parent is a parent,
and we all know what is best for bringing up children. We
know that someone from our ethnic community will be instilling
those same values in our kids. We believe that group discipline
can work better in this new society.
The refugee resettlement agencies in our community have been
encouraging single mothers in our community to get certified
to provide in-home childcare. Due to family size, language
and other barriers to employment, this can be a good form
of work for many single refugee moms.
There is a norm here that you may have to come pick up a
child from a daycare center for any little thing. If there
are behavioral issues, daycare centers may not have the patience
to deal with it.
But we feel comfortable knowing that our childcare provider
can correct them, can keep them in order, rather than saying,
“It’s not my child, so I don’t have the
authority.”
We have a saying in my culture: “The baby is yours
while it’s in the womb, once out it belongs to the community.”
The birth is a celebration. The community celebrates this
newcomer; they hold a ceremony to present the baby to the
community. This is held about two weeks after the birth—around
the time the umbilical cord falls off. A poem is recited,
which signifies that everyone here is your guardian. Everyone
feels responsible for the neighbor’s child. It becomes
like a social obligation; to us it is a great value. The fact
that you can live here without knowing your neighbor is a
problem.
Childcare
in Burundi RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
In Burundian culture, especially in rural areas, an 8-year-old
girl starts being trained to carry a baby on her back, so
her mother can run an errand. The mother might go to the market
for two hours or something, but she would not be gone all
day. In Burundi, we know that people around also feel responsible
to help them while we are gone. The concept of caregiver belongs
to everybody.
Many refugee families who come to the U.S. still believe
that an 8-year-old can watch a younger child, but there are
other dangers, such as electrical appliances, crime, kidnappers,
etc. But back home, we didn’t have those dangers. Once
these families know the dangers here, they will not leave
their children.
For us, a 10-year-old or 13-year-old girl is big enough to
carry a baby on her back. Once she has menstruated, she is
physically ready to start a family, so she is able to care
for children.
Children may be carried on the back as long as they are breastfed
and until they are comfortable walking. They might be carried
on the back even up to 5 years old, especially if it is a
mother’s last baby.
The normal age to see breastfeeding is up to 3 years. Mothers
are proud of nursing. They see it as a way of showing affection
for their baby. It is also a natural way to delay the next
pregnancy, so people will continue nursing for that reason
as well.
Here, breastfeeding makes people feel ashamed, or embarrassed
to show their intimate body parts, but then people will wear
short-shorts. In Burundi, people are not ashamed to show themselves
breastfeeding, but they would not wear such revealing clothes.
Marriage
and Family RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
I was 25 when we married, and my husband was 32. I have three
brothers and two sisters. My husband has a larger family—five
sisters and three brothers—because his father had two
wives. My husband’s mother only had one son, so his
father asked his first wife for permission to marry a second
wife in order to have more sons. In our culture, sons carry
on the family name, and they are a form of social and economic
security.
We have no other family members in the U.S. Our siblings
are either refugees in other African countries, or they are
still in Burundi. We hope that someday they will be able to
come to the U.S. We are waiting to hear from UNHCR in their
host countries.
Family Role
Changes and Discipline RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
The thing that has changed here is social status, for example,
whether or not you can afford a maid. Discipline has not changed.
We had been able to afford domestic help in Burundi. They
had permission to discipline the children, and we trusted
them; they had the same values.
Here we both have to be working, providing parenting, doing
the cleaning and cooking—that has been a big shift because
we had been able to afford help with this before.
We were very frustrated in the beginning, but we have gotten
used to it.
When my family back home would call during my pregnancy,
their main concern was “How are you going to handle
it? Can you get help?” Back home, we would all help
each other, watching each other’s children, but here
we don’t have that.
Men are not typically involved in taking care of the babies,
but my husband helped with raising the children while I was
in school in Burundi, so he continued that here. But we have
observed more problems for other couples in adjusting to these
role changes in the U.S.
Back home, the mother takes care of all the children until
puberty. Once the boys reach puberty, the father takes over
the guidance of the young boys.
If a child is disobedient, the mother will be asked what
she is doing—how is she guiding that child? But here,
you are both to be involved—both mother and father.
Here they say that people have freedom, or that it’s
none of your business, but everybody—even teachers—want
to be involved in family dynamics.
In our culture, it’s not appropriate to talk about
what is going on inside the family. To us, it seems upside
down here: they say they want to protect your privacy, but
they violate that privacy in wanting to know why a child has
a bruise.
People here should not rush to judge people who are from
other countries. When they rush to judge and say a family
is dysfunctional, sometimes it is really the system that is
dysfunctional. Service providers should try to understand
the family first, including the culture. They can always get
interpreters and a community representative to help them understand.
They will harm the family by separating them.
Regarding the use of American discipline methods such as
time-outs—for us it is not working. Children need to
feel the punishment. Of course they won’t really hurt
the children. We discipline with love.
Challenges
for Recent Burundian Refugees in the U.S. RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
I know of one case in which the parents were illiterate and
had less exposure to urban life. Their children assimilated
first and became the teachers of the parents, making family
decisions in the favor of the children. The mother sought
help from the local child welfare agency and asked them to
mediate. The mother asked that the children be removed, saying,
“Take them, discipline them in your ways, and then bring
them back, because if we use our ways, we’ll get in
trouble.” Juvenile probation authorities became involved
and worked with the parents and teenagers on communication
and decision-making.
Most of the recently arriving Burundian refugees are coming
out of camps in Tanzania, where they have been since 1972.
Many are settling in Georgia, Ohio, Arizona, or North Carolina.
With this new group I am observing young girls—age 15
or 16—who are already mothers, being resettled with
either their own mothers or with extended family (aunts, older
siblings). Because the girls are mothers, they think they
are old enough to be responsible for the children, but here
we have to follow the guardianship and child welfare laws.
These young girls are the mothers, but they cannot make full
decisions for their children because the grandmother is supposed
to be the immediate caregiver, and the grandmother doesn’t
necessarily see herself in that role.
Or the girls have been independent in the camp, taking care
of themselves, but they have developed behaviors that cause
conflict with the responsible adult relative. The caseworker
may think the family dynamics are not so strong, or they may
be too quick to judge. So resettlement agencies should seek
out services available to young mothers, and also workshops
on healthy relationships between men and women, and within
families.
I have also seen some challenges for families raising youth
who had the role of protector while in the refugee camp, but
according to the laws in the U.S. the parents are in charge.
For example, maybe due to the mother’s health condition
or the death of the father, the older kids in a family took
over being fully responsible for the family while living in
the refugee camp. When the family comes to the U.S., the older
youth still feel like they should be responsible and should
sign all of the paperwork, although this is not the case under
U.S. laws.
Guardianship is also a difficult concept for refugee families
who are caring for children that are not their children by
birth. When we discuss the guardianship procedures in the
U.S., they say, “I have been caring for these children
since they were young. Do you think I will drop them now?”
It’s automatic—they want to raise these children
as their own kids. The paper won’t change anything.
As resettlement caseworkers, we must reassure them that there
is nothing wrong with them, but the government needs the papers
signed. The family needs to know that the paperwork is necessary,
so that someone is responsible and the family is eligible
for full benefits for the children. The family should be encouraged
to continue caring for the children, and should understand
that the guardianship process is for the advantage of the
children and the family.
Child Welfare
in the U.S. RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
I salute the institutions in the U.S. to protect children—foster
care and adoption. Many children can be put in situations
of danger here, so they are protected at least.
In Burundi, we have orphanage centers and also private religious
groups will care for children. There are some adoptions too,
but they are done by wealthy families. Otherwise, orphans
would be cared for within the family or community.
Being a
Bi-Cultural Refugee Services Worker RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
I am very sensitive to other people making quick judgments
about clients or to unfair situations for clients. My first
reaction is to take the client’s side, to understand
the dynamics before I judge. That’s how I am, and that
is how I want to be treated myself.
I wish we had enough funding to hire more caseworkers, so
we could lower our caseloads and better meet client needs.
Sometimes it’s hard because we want our fellow refugees
to feel welcome and not to feel undermined. It’s true
there can be burnout for bi-cultural workers. This would be
a good topic for training: how do we help bi-cultural workers
to avoid burnout? The strategy I use to avoid this is to use
other community members to help me out. I also do my own volunteer
work in the community outside of working hours.
Household
Responsibilities for Children RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
In our culture, it’s OK for children to take care of
certain responsibilities, but here they think we’re
asking too much of them. For us, it is a source of pride:
we’re preparing them to be good caretakers when they
grow up. Our teens still want that same level of responsibility
here as well.
Cleaning responsibilities are given mostly to girls; watching
over cattle or fixing things are given to boys. Here my son
washes the car and deals with the garbage, and my daughter
helps with our 3-year-old baby and does the dishes. Whenever
my husband is not there, my son checks that the doors are
locked at night. His father has talked with him about his
role in the family when he grows up; he’s being trained
by his father to be the protector. My daughter also leads
the family in nighttime prayers. She gathers the family together
and reminds us to do them. We are Catholic—like two-thirds
of Burundians—but some people are changing to Protestantism
since the war, and due to exposure to Protestantism in the
refugee camps.
My seven-year-old boy was born here. At his age, my other
kids knew how to sweep the house, but he says that it’s
not his job yet; that he needs to play. I don’t know
what makes him believe he cannot do it. Beginning around age
six, we have kids who go down the river to search for water.
Sweeping, mopping: they learn that about age six while the
parents are farming.
In Burundi, there are cultural norms about cleaning up before
sunrise—you need to sweep before sunrise or your friends
will stop coming. So children know they have to get up early
to clean the house. Girls at the age of puberty are encouraged
to wake up early and clean themselves.
Here we expect our children to help with the dishes. We have
children that by the age of 13 are able to cook a meal and
feed the parents when they come home from work, especially
during summer break. During summer break our children do most
of the cleaning, laundry and dishes.
Guidance
for Teens RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
Talking with your children is very important. In our culture,
at the age of puberty, we send them to their aunts and uncles,
who can talk with them about anything. Here we don’t
have aunts or uncles, but we have some good friends. Our friend’s
son came to talk with my husband, and it is OK for our kids
to talk with our friends, like they would talk with an aunt
or uncle. Parents may have too much emotion, or be too strict,
but an aunt, uncle, or friend can respond in a softer way.
Burundian
Values RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
There are several core Burundian values I want to pass on
to my children.
- Sharing food: Food is a sign of hospitality.
Every person who walks in our door is welcomed by food.
- Respect for elders and authority: That’s
how we raise our kids to respect their parents and to understand
that they hold wisdom to pass on. One way this respect is
shown is through greeting. We greet with two arms—shaking
with one hand and holding the other person’s forearm
with our other hand—this is a wish of peace to the
other person. A one-handed shake is disrespectful; it’s
like you’re considered nothing.
- A strong faith: We believe in one big
creator, no matter which faith. Catholic, Protestant, Muslims:
we use the same word “Imana” for God. Many Burundi
names have “Imana” in them. When we name our
children, we put the name “Imana” in it; it’s
like asking for God’s blessing.
- Family values: This is related to the
interpretation of the nuclear and extended family. Children
belong to the extended family, society, and friends. Decisions
are based on those ties. No one is left behind; we care
for the elderly. We have a saying: “Once a rabbit
grows older, it nurses from its baby.” This means
the parents do their best to raise their children, then
in old age it’s the children’s turn to take
over. Children have to work hard, so that when they grow
up they will be able to care for their parents. Marriage
is a consent between family members. The separation of a
husband and a wife is a decision made by a council of elders,
who will work to keep the couple together. The system is
patriarchal, so the wife would lose her children if the
couple separates. Everyone believes in a marriage that lasts.
The bride and groom’s families become good friends.
They like to see the family growing.
U.S. Values RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
Some of the U.S. values that I appreciate include that people
here are very hard workers. People respect time in order to
help them fulfill their duties.
People here have strong faith too. There are many churches,
people worship God, church services are shown on TV: all of
this helps us with our faith.
Education here is open to everybody without discrimination.
There are laws protecting people.
People here share what they have; they give to others and
make donations; this is helpful to refugees.
Hopes and
Fears for Children in the U.S. RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
I hope that my children do not get too influenced by peer
pressure. Here youth expectations are high and unrealistic
about what they should be as persons. Sometimes it is driven
by the media and youth think they are “cool” or
special by copying what they see. I don’t like that
“cool” thing; it’s not helping to develop
their personality. It’s a different way of character
development, rather than fulfilling their goals.
I don’t want them to feel like drugs are something
they should try. It gives me hope when they recognize the
bad things that their friends are doing.
I hope they focus on their schooling and obtain higher education.
Here, the opportunities are plentiful.
My hope is also that they become good parents. We talk about
how many children they want to have when they grow up, what
kind of marriage they want. I hope they get good examples
from us.
1 - Names have been
changed to protect participants’ privacy. BACK
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