| Family
Background RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
My husband and I were married for 14 years, before he was
kidnapped in Iraq in 2006. We have not heard from him since
then. After that, I left Iraq with my three sons and fled
to Syria, where we lived for a year before coming to the U.S.
When we were in Syria, I was emotionally exhausted, with
my husband missing and all, so I sent my kids to school. I
didn’t want my kids to see me depressed and crying all
the time. But only my eldest son stayed in school because
the two younger boys were being picked on and beaten up just
for being Iraqi. Once they were even threatened with a knife.
After I took my two younger boys out of public school, I enrolled
them in an Islamic school to give me a break.
My sons and I have now been in the U.S. for four months.
My boys are 14, 12, and 9 years old (9th, 6th, and 4th grade),
and all were born in Baghdad.
Religion RETURN
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I am Shiite and my husband and children are Sunni, but we
really were not very religious in Iraq. We had friends from
all sects and religions and did not raise our kids to be fanatics.
The divisions between sects are actually more apparent to
me in the U.S. than in Iraq—some people are bringing
the results of the war here. For example, some Arab families
in the U.S. have called to welcome us, and one of the first
questions they often ask is “Are you Shiite or Sunni?”
Family Roles RETURN
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I think women in Iraq have more responsibility for kids,
work, and home, than here in the U.S., just because they are
women. In Iraq, I took care of the house and the children
and also worked outside the home. I was an elementary school
math teacher for 11 years, and a principal for the last two
years. My husband worked as an accountant for a government
ministry. He did not help with the housework, because he spent
so many hours at his job and came home late. But sometimes,
he helped with the grocery shopping, like on his way home
from work.
Child discipline, reward, affection and chores RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
In Iraq, I was primarily responsible for disciplining the
children. I took care of everything so that my children only
had to concentrate on their studies, so I expected good results.
I always asked for more than 100% from my children, and so
sometimes my children would fear me—they would fear
showing any bad grades to me. I was very strict when it came
to schooling. When the children got good grades, they were
rewarded with gifts, such as books, and were allowed to play
with the computer or video games. If I needed to discipline
the kids further, sometimes I yelled. Parents in Iraq are
also allowed to hit their children.
I showed affection to my boys by providing them with their
needs, giving them gifts, and making them happy. We also give
our children lots of hugs and kisses.
The only responsibility my children had was school and to
do their homework—other than that, they had no chores
in Iraq. But life is tough here, so now my kids have more
responsibility—sometimes I send them to the store to
get food. Sometimes, I have them make their own breakfast,
too.
Schooling
in Iraq and the U.S. RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
The conditions of Iraqi schools were not very good. During
the days of Saddam, five kids could be seen sharing one seat
in school. Some schools were rebuilt by the Americans, but
not like the schools here. None of the schools in Iraq have
water, and they are very cold in the winter and hot in the
summer. Even as a principal, I did not have a computer or
the equipment I needed.
As a parent and also a principal, I think that about 75%
of the responsibility for schooling fell on the parents. Since
it was a short school day with only 35 minutes for each class,
the teachers didn’t have enough time to do all they
needed to do—so lots of work came home to the parents.
Besides helping with homework, parents were able to go into
school and follow-up on their children’s grades and
behavior. Parents could also advocate for their child to skip
a grade, but the child had to take a test and get good enough
scores to actually do so. My eldest son was a gifted student
and went to the same prestigious school as Saddam Hussein’s
son. His classes were each one-hour long and his math and
science courses were taught in English.
About 25% of the responsibility for schooling fell on the
teachers. Besides teaching the material, teachers could also
hit students to discipline them, but this often just creates
more problems. If the teacher causes harm to the child—for
example, if bruises are left—the teacher can be punished
for it by the Ministry of Education.
I am trying to be involved in the schools here, despite the
language barrier. My youngest son has an Arab teacher, which
helps—the teacher sends notes home to me in Arabic and
helps me out. My middle son’s school enrolled him in
the 6th grade, though I believe he should be in the 5th grade.
His teachers and the administrators tell me he will catch
up.
Childcare RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
When my kids were little, they went to “kindergarten,”
which was a kind of daycare. Once they got a little older,
like about six years old, I could leave them home alone. After
school, they were allowed to go home by themselves, too. Sometimes,
my mother helped out, like if one of the boys was sick and
I needed to go to work. I could also rely on my neighbors.
Even after the fall of Saddam, I would sometimes ask my neighbors
to check on the boys with all the bombing going on. I have
not yet had to deal with childcare here in the U.S., because
I don’t have a job yet and my boys are in school.
In Iraq, neighbors have a role in your social life and kids
play together. Here, it seems like people don't have time
to do this, due to the style of life, but I don't mind and
it hasn't affected my parenting.
Concerns for children RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
Before I came to the U.S., I was mostly concerned about
exposing my children to drugs, alcohol, and sexual harassment
or abuse. I always warn my kids about these things. These
things can be found anywhere, including Iraq despite all of
the taboos with these things. So here in the U.S., which is
much more open, I think that children can be exposed to these
things more easily. I am also worried about what my children
will see on TV here. In Iraq, there is such strict censorship,
but here it is very open.
Before coming to the U.S. I was also worried about people
harassing me for my skin color and ethnicity, but now that
I’m here, people have been very welcoming! I have not
experienced any discrimination. In fact, when I say that I’m
from Iraq, I often get more kindness. The local paper wrote
an article about my family, which has resulted in invitations
to Thanksgiving dinners and letters from strangers. Also,
my landlord checks in on me knowing that I’m new to
this country and a single mom. Everyone has been so kind!
Child Welfare in Iraq RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
I have never heard of the government in Iraq stepping in
to do something in cases of child abuse, or of families filing
complaints for family disputes. As I said, if a child is beaten
too hard by a teacher, the teacher will be punished. But if
a teacher sees bruises on a student that were likely caused
by the child’s parent, there is nothing the teacher
can do about it. There is no recourse or steps to take even
if she wanted to help.
There are no laws to protect children or anything similar
to “child protective services” that’s here.
In Iraq, children without parents usually live with extended
family, but I think that is where a lot of the abuse happens.
At first, based on what I had heard about the U.S., I was
concerned that the U.S. child welfare authorities might take
my kids away from me, but now I understand what they do and
know they are good.
Parenting
challenges in the U.S. RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
I feel that I am losing control of my children, particularly
with their schooling. Much of this is due to the language
barrier, but also because I’m still learning how school
works here. I was very in control in Iraq since I was a principal
myself. Also, sometimes I am not sure how to handle their
behavior. For example, I taught for a few days at a local
Mosque and the children were misbehaving. I was at a loss
for how to discipline them, so I just gave up!
It is also hard being a single parent—and in a new
country. There are some things that are traditionally taught
by the father, for example it is the father’s job to
teach his sons about sex. Now I have to do this, and it was
embarrassing at first.
Also, my husband used to sometimes help me with the children
in Iraq. For example, he would take the children out when
I was doing housework.
And, financially speaking, it is very challenging. Our money
was in my husband’s name, and I am not able to access
it. I can no longer give my children the lifestyle they are
used to because we came with no money, and even when I get
a job, that will still only be one income when we are used
to two incomes. So in this way, we were better off in Iraq.
My children are struggling to adapt to this. For example,
I got my children some used clothes, but they refused to wear
them, and so I ended up giving them to another refugee family.
I hope that living in America will teach my children to be
more practical.
I think I will just take this year as it comes and maybe
next year will be better.
Cultural
orientation RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
We had a three hour class, before coming here, on how to
call “911,” how to ride the bus, etc., but we
had to leave so quickly that we were not able to attend the
usual four day course.
I wish I had known how hard it is to find work. I tried working
as a cook at a restaurant for three days, but then I quit.
It was such hard work, and I felt humiliated! I was crying
all the time and felt like I wanted to go back to Iraq. I
called my parents and they convinced me to stay since it’s
not safe in Iraq, but they were also surprised to learn that
I had to take this type of job here despite my professional
background and teaching experience.
I also wish that there were different levels of help for
refugees from different backgrounds, instead of the same types
of services for all refugees. It is challenging because my
family did not come from a refugee camp—we were upper-middle
class in Iraq and, as I said, my children expect certain things
that now I can’t provide.
I also wish that the assistance provided to refugee families
was longer—the five to six months of financial assistance
we are receiving is not enough. In one month it will be gone,
and I still can’t find a job.
Hopes and dreams for children RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
I want my children to do something with their lives. I want
them to take advantage of the free public education here.
My eldest son wants to go to medical school. I hope that he
will get a scholarship, since he is really smart, so he can
become a doctor.
I would like my children to get involved in positive activities.
They need a positive way to use their built-up energy inside.
Right now, all they do is argue with each other. They are
dealing with a lot, worrying about their father, and they
need a way to express themselves. They also don’t have
a lot of homework yet since they are still learning English,
so they have a lot of spare time. I got my children library
cards and am encouraging them to learn to play an instrument
in the band at school.
Passing
on values RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
From Iraqi values, I would like to teach my children to have
respect for their parents and to stay with the family—to
have strong family ties.
I think that kids are too dependent on their parents in Iraq,
but here in the U.S., kids are raised to be responsible and
independent. I like this and hope to pass this on to my children.
I like the way kids are taught at school—there is no
oppression in learning and people enjoy learning. I also like
the way that people respect the law here.
Parenting advice for other refugees just coming to the U.S. RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
My advice is for new refugee and immigrant parents to pick
and choose which traditions to keep. There are so many things
that we do in our countries and cultures that don’t
fit here, but others that do. My family just moved from an
oppressed society to an open society, and so we cannot apply
the same laws and traditions as we did in our home country.
It is not helpful for me to try to control my children or
put pressure on them. I am letting my children make their
own choices, but I am providing guidance and watching them
closely.
I would remind families that it takes time to adjust to a
new culture. I think in about two years I will be more adapted.
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Conversation with Farah's family about schools in the
U.S. RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
How is school in the U.S. similar or different
from Iraq?
[Eldest son] School in Iraq is very similar
to here, but in Iraq we stayed in the same classroom
all day and teachers switched rooms. The subjects are
similar here but the “extras” like art,
sports, and music were not constant in Iraq. When I
got here, I was really surprised to have entire classes
devoted to these things. I was also surprised to be
able to pick some of my own subjects.
What was it like on your first day of school?
[Eldest son] I got lost! The high school here
is really big.
Has it been easy or hard making friends?
[Eldest son] It was easy. There are lots of
Arab kids and so there isn’t a language barrier.
Although it was easier in Iraq because you never changed
classes. Now I have to make friends in each class.
[Youngest son] It was easy.
[Middle son] It was half easy, half hard.
[Farah] My youngest son likes school so much,
he wants to go on the weekends!
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1 - Names have been
changed to protect participants’ privacy. BACK
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