| Family
Background and History: RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
My name is Mary. My family and I came to the U.S. in July
of 2006. I am 28 years old and my husband is 32. We have been
married for about 11 years. My husband, Daniel, is from Malakal
in Southern Sudan, and his family is Nuer. He has one brother
and two sisters; two of his siblings now live in the U.S.
also. I am from Juba and my family is Nagaraw. I have three
sisters and four brothers, but they are all still in Sudan.
Aside from English, I speak Nuer, Nagaraw, and Arabic. Traditionally
in my culture, families arrange marriages, but my husband
and I chose each other. My father did not want me to marry
my husband because he was young; my father wanted me to marry
someone older and more established.
My husband and I have a ten-year-old son named Jon, a 3-year-old
daughter named Victoria, and a 3-month-old girl. Our second
daughter was born five months after we arrived in the U.S.
In my culture, we often name each child according to something
that was going on at the time the child was born. Our baby
girl’s name means that you have had a difficult time
but you turn it into something good, because we came through
a difficult time in Egypt to start a new life in the U.S.
Khartoum
to Cairo RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
When my son was about four months old, we left our town and
moved to Khartoum, the capital of Sudan, so that my husband
could attend university. All students at the university were
required to take Islamic religious education classes. My husband
and some of his friends said they did not want to take these
religious education classes, and they organized debates at
the university about this requirement. Some of the Muslim
students were upset by these debates and there was fighting
between my husband’s group and the Muslim students at
the university. Afterwards, some of the young men in my husband’s
group were put in jail for criticizing the government. My
husband feared that he would be put in jail too, so we fled
to Egypt. I was 22 years old and our son was four. I wanted
to return to Sudan, but my husband did not think it was safe
for us. We stayed in Cairo for six years. We had some friends
in Egypt who helped us to register as refugees with the United
Nations office in Cairo. There were lots of Sudanese in Cairo.
I worked in Cairo doing housecleaning and babysitting for
a British woman and a Dutch woman. While I worked, either
my husband or his aunt cared for our son. My husband tried
working for about two years while we were there, but women
could get paid more for housecleaning and babysitting, so
part of the time my husband stayed home with our son while
I worked.
When my children were ages 2 and 8, I had to leave them at
home alone. I told my son, the eldest, to call me if he had
any problems. When our middle daughter was about 2-and-a-half
years old, our ten-year-old niece began watching them. One
time, our niece walked out onto the apartment balcony and
my daughter pushed the balcony door shut, which automatically
locked. My son was sleeping while this happened, so there
was no one inside the apartment who could open the door. She
watched as my two-year-old daughter picked up a knife and
began playing with it, but my niece could not do anything
except watch, so she just sat on the balcony and cried until
my husband came home. After that, my employer said that I
could bring my daughter to work with me while I cleaned.
Sudanese
and Egyptians RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
There was a lot of mistrust between Sudanese and Egyptians
in Cairo. Sometimes Egyptian children would spit on my son,
or throw water or rocks at us. When we would ride the metro
trains, Egyptian youth would try to push us out of the train
so that the doors would close on us, and the elder Egyptians
would not stop them from treating us this way.
In Egypt if you wanted to go to the doctor, the U.N. would
pay half of the cost and a church group would pay the other
half. There were rumors among the Sudanese in Cairo that if
you went to an Egyptian doctor for a Caesarian-section, the
doctors would remove more than just the baby from the mother’s
body. The UN office would only refer us to certain doctors
who were known to them.
Childbirth RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
My son was born at home in Sudan. Female relatives—like
my aunts, grandmother, and sister-in-law—were present
during my son’s birth, along with a female doctor. In
Nuer culture, female relatives care for the new mother for
forty days after the childbirth. The new mother is given very
hot baths, and she does not go out of the house.
Other women take care of the household tasks, like shopping
and cooking. The afterbirth [or placenta] is usually either
buried in the floor of the home, or placed in a secure container
and thrown into the river. This is done so that animals will
not get it; otherwise people believe you will not be able
to have another baby.
Our second child was born in a hospital in Cairo. There,
only the doctor and the nurse were allowed into the room while
I was giving birth, no one else. I didn’t like this
hospital very much. There were five patients in one room.
I could have stayed in the hospital overnight, but I didn’t
want to stay there, so I came home the same day as the birth.
The U.N. referred us to a specific doctor, where I had to
show a card with my U.N. refugee case number, and the U.N.
paid the hospital bills.
Our third child was born here in the U.S. I had my own room
in the hospital, and it went fine. With this child, it is
like having a baby for the first time, because with my first
two children I had other women around to help me at home.
My husband says I am now an American wife because I am doing
it all myself this time.
WIC RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
The baby and I are eligible for help through the Women, Infants
and Children program (WIC), which allows me to buy certain
foods that are healthy for the baby and me. I like to buy
Nido brand powdered milk [a brand more common in Europe and
Latin America with higher milk-fat content than U.S. powdered
milk], because it is what I am used to, but sometimes the
store cashiers will tell me that it is not covered by WIC,
even though WIC covers powdered milk. It helps to have a church
friend with me to convince the cashier that this is okay.
Housing RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
When we first arrived in the U.S., we moved into the house
of my husband’s sister and her husband. They have six
children and live in a three-bedroom house. It was very crowded.
We stayed in the downstairs family room; in July it was very
hot, I was pregnant, and there was no air conditioning. I
remember that during cultural orientation they said that things
would be better in the United States, but after one week here,
I wanted to go back because this was worse than Egypt.
My husband’s sister had only one car, so they could
not always drive us where we needed to go. I remember calling
a Sudanese friend in Portland, Maine, who suggested that if
my brother-in-law cannot take me to an appointment, then I
should ask my resettlement caseworker to drive me. Soon after
that, in a meeting with World Relief, our caseworker asked
my sister-in-law how long we could live with them. She said
we could stay with them for about six months, but I said I
wanted to live in my own house. Our caseworker then took us
to several government offices, to sign up for food stamps
and public housing. The public housing office said they could
provide a housing voucher for up to $600 a month. About one
week later, our resettlement caseworker told us that she had
located a two-bedroom townhome through subsidized housing
that only cost $85 a month. The rent is based on our income,
so as our income increases so will our rent. We are happy
here. We have met our neighbors, many of whom are either Russian
or Mexican.
Son’s
Schooling RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
Our son is now in fifth grade; he has had some problems on
the bus with a few children. They would push him as they were
walking home from the bus, or throw his backpack, or not let
him sit where he wanted on the bus. I called my son’s
school and they said they would talk with the bus driver about
this. My husband also took our son over to the home of one
of the boys who was bothering him, and my husband told the
mother what had happened. The school also set up a meeting
between our son and a boy that was bothering him. This all
happened a few months after our son started school, but it
seems to be better now.
In Egypt, when there were problems with another student after
school, the school said it was the parents’ responsibility.
When we were in Cairo, our son was bothered by some of the
Egyptian children, so we moved him to a school run for refugees.
Most of the students and teachers there were Sudanese. The
school was taught in Arabic with one class in English. He
went to school there for six months before we left Cairo to
come to the U.S.
Our son is doing well in school, and he says that he likes
the school here. He has already gone beyond the school’s
expectations for him for this year. Here we meet with our
son’s teacher for school conferences, but in Egypt the
parents would only visit the school for a celebration or if
your child had done something bad in school.
Employment,
Education RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
My husband works stocking shelves at a department store from
10 PM until 6: 30 AM, five days a week. Someone from the church
drops him off at work at night and then picks him up everyday
in the morning. It is not too far away, but I don’t
like having him gone at night. He does not work on Monday
and Tuesday, so he goes to English classes at the county workforce
center in the mornings from 9:00 until 12:00. He is in the
advanced level English class.
I also took English classes at the county workforce center.
People from the church would drive my daughter to daycare
so that I could go to class. I started out in the middle level
English class, but I passed a test and was placed in the advanced
English class. I stopped going to class when the baby was
born, but I will start up again when the baby is about four
months old.
As a child, I went to an Arabic school up to Grade 5. Then
in Khartoum I went to an Arabic school up to Grade 12, and
I took one class in English. Last month my husband and I also
took a test to enroll in a nursing assistant course. My husband
passed the entrance test, so he will begin the nursing assistant
course in a few months. I will try to take the test again
after I study some more English.
Transportation,
Church Help RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
The most difficult thing has been living here without a car.
We are in a more suburban county, where there is no public
transportation. At first we missed appointments, or our resettlement
caseworker would drive us to appointments. Our caseworker
had told us that many churches in the U.S. help refugees,
so we tried calling a Methodist church nearby. The pastor
said he would come visit us the next day. He came and talked
with us at our house; then a little while after the pastor
left, a woman from the church came and wrote down everything
that we needed for the house. She left for a while and then
started bringing things for the house. The church has given
us furniture, clothes for the children, blankets, jackets.
They also help us a lot with transportation. The church has
really been helping us. We also go to the church on Sundays.
The county helped us to file our taxes. We used the refund
to buy a car, but we must wait until my husband gets his driver’s
license before we can use it.
Hitting
Wives and Children RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
In Sudan, it is okay for husbands to beat their wives, but
it is not okay here. We have a Sudanese friend who lives in
Canada, but his wife is still in Sudan. The husband does not
want to bring his wife to Canada, because he says that here
the wife is over the husband.
It is not good for the men to beat the women. Some of the
men understand this, but it may be harder to change for those
who do not have education. In some Nuer villages, the wife
and children would live in one place, while the husband would
live separately, so some men and women are not used to living
together in the same house. Also, in Sudan men may have more
than one wife.
I remember being told, during our three-day cultural orientation
before coming to the U.S., that you cannot beat your children
in the U.S., and that children over age 18 are free to do
what they want—in Sudan even if a woman is 32 but not
yet married, she will be expected to stay at home with her
parents. As a child, if I was bad my father would beat me
with a stick, but my mother never hit me. In my husband’s
family it was the reverse—he was beaten by his mother
but not by his father.
A relative who lives in the U.S. has a teenage daughter who
did not want to listen to her parents, so she went outside
the house and sat under a tree. Then she went to the police
and told them that she was not happy and that her mother was
beating her. When the police brought her back home, she lied
to the police and said that her mother was her stepmother.
The police eventually found out that the girl had been getting
into fights at school and that her mother had hit her for
this. The girl finally admitted that she had called the police
because her mother was not allowing her to do what she wanted.
I like that there is not beating here like in Sudan—in
Sudan, even if you’re 18, your father has the right
to beat you—but I don’t want my children to call
the police on me, like this child did.
I don’t think there is a big difference between U.S.
and Sudanese values, but here the rules say that parents should
not hit their children. So, here in America, what do
you do?
Advice to
Others RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
My advice to other refugees just coming to the U.S. would
be to talk with people who are already here, to network with
them and get advice from others. If I don’t know how
to do something, I ask somebody. A good thing in America is
that if someone is having problems, people want to help; they
like people to feel happy.
Also, in my culture there is a saying: “Hurry, hurry,
no blessing.” This is a way of saying that you need
to be patient. I remind myself of that.
BRYCS would like to thank World Relief for their help
in arranging this interview. To learn more about World Relief’s
work with refugees, go to: http://www.wr.org/whatwedo/refugeecare.asp
Discussion
Questions for Refugee Serving Agencies: RETURN
TO TOPICS LIST
- What guidance or information would you offer Mary’s
family regarding discipline practices in the U.S.?
- How would you help families like Mary’s to understand
what public schools expect of parents in the U.S.?
- How can refugees in your community get around if they
do not own a car? What transportation resources are available
in your community to assist refugees? How do transportation
issues affect your agency’s ability to work with refugees?
- What cross-cultural issues can arise for refugee mothers
enrolled in government programs like the Women, Infants
and Children program (WIC)? How does your agency address
food and nutrition issues with refugees?
- What kind of orientation is, or should be, provided to
refugees in your community on U.S. laws and norms about
domestic violence or spousal abuse? "
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